Military jokes

Attention! We're bringing out the big guns here - only the best military jokes will be on parade here! 
Okay, at ease. Sit back and relax and enjoy our collection of funny military jokes and humor.

c'mon Laugh don't look like a moron

Trench warfare should always be a last ditch effort.

How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy? Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

A private ran to his General, sending a message from the front lines. He was in utter distress. "Sir! We are outnumbered three to one, and..."
"Private! Get me my red shirt," he interrupted, "When I bleed in battle, I don't want the soldiers to be discouraged."
"Sir! You don't understand, they have battalions of heavy artillery, and their tanks are twice the..."
The General interrupted again, "Private! Get me my brown pants..."

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post. During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks.
He asks the soldier showing him around, "why is that camel there?"
The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get frustrated if you know what I mean. When they do, they use the camel."
A month later the Captain is himself sexually frustrated.
He puts a ladder behind the camel, climbs up, drops his trousers and starts having sex with the camel.
The same soldier who had shown him around earlier appears, so the Captain asks him, "Is that how the men do it?"
The soldier replies, "No sir, they usually ride it to the next village where the women are."

During the way my Granddad survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He's a seasoned veteran.

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 men and said, "I've got a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you're the laziest." 24 of the men immediately raised their hands.
Just one man kept his hand down so the sergeant asked him, "Why didn't you put your hand up?"
The man replied, "It's too much effort raising the hand, Sarge."

Those who wear sleeveless shirts like to defend the right to bare arms.

What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

The sergeant-major shouted at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning, soldier." The soldier replied, "Thank you very much, Sir."

What do you call a young army? Infantry.

An army major visits the sick soldiers in hospital one day. He goes up to one private and asks him, "What's your problem, soldier?"
The soldier replies, "Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"And what treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He then goes to the next bed and asks the occupant, "And what's your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed and asks the soldier in it, "And what's your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

I used to be an artist in the army but I kept drawing enemy fire.

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, Sir!

During training exercises, a lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he came across another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. As the lieutenant pulled alongside he asked, "Is your jeep stuck, sir?"
"No," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "That when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "But when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other offhand, "Just our medals."

When I was in the army, I got my arms shot off. But I shouldered on anyway.

You'd think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can't keep their heads above water.

What did the sailor say to the other when they had a problem? We're in the same boat.

What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar? He got bombed.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died. Report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Wilson's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, Wilson!"

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."

Those who aim torpedoes are always ready to press charges.

There was a guy called Herman, who went for military recruitment. He passed all the rounds, except the physical one.
Recruitment officer asked Herman, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?
Herman said, "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.
Recruitment officer asked: "And what does your father do?
Herman retorted, "He's in the Army, sir."

A navy guy went to a bar, where he saw some guys sitting. He sat down, ordered a whisky and started chatting with one of them.
He said to one guy, "Wanna hear a joke on Marine guys?"
The guy replied, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6'1 tall, 200 lbs, and I'm Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'3" tall, weighs 220, and he's a Marine. The fellow next to him is 6'10" tall, weighs 270, and he's also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The navy guy said, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

During World War II, changing of caps among mercenaries was common. A mercenary - G?nter, from Germany, was recruited to fight for Russia. He was getting training. One day, the Russian Commander called him up.
Gunter: "Ja, Herr Kommandant!"
Commander: "If you meet an American and a Russian soldier, vich vun vill you kill?"
Gunter: "Ze Russian!"
Commander: "No, you dumkopf! If I vere you, I vould kill ze American!"
Gunter: "See, Herr Kommandant, you still leave me za Russian?"

A marine and an army guy were at a public restroom. The marine finished first and washed his hands. The army guy just walked to the exit. The Marine was surprised to see the army guy walking like this. So he asked to him, "Hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss.
The army man said, "In army, we are taught not to piss on our hands,"

An Indian army officer was shouting at his drunk Gurkha soldier!
The Officer: "Bahadur! You drunk donkey! If you wouldn't drink that much Desi, you could be captain! "
Bahadur: "Yes, Major. You know, last time I drank 4 times as much and I felt like a general!"

Edwin was working in a media house. One day, he reached his office early in the morning and was caught by his boss kissing the receptionist. The angry boss asked, "Is this what you get paid for?"
Edwin replied, "No sir, I do this for free."

A famous saying: People always say that hard work never killed anybody.
When's the last time you ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

Another famous saying: Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it. And, our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Andrew was standing in a bus stop. A very attractive woman came from behind and said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," not remembering ever having seen her before. Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out to board a school bus.
Andrew was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" Then, he was happy that he might resemble one of her former lovers. Suddenly, he got a little panicky when and thought, "May be during one of the wild parties he had been to, when he was in college, he did father her child!
He boarded that bus, holding his head in his hands, never realizing that she was his son's teacher.

Andrew to Rita: Let's go to some isolated place?
Rita: "Beware! You would not do any mischievous thing there."
Andrew thought for a moment and said, "No, absolutely no."
Rita: "Then, leave the plan, it's of no use." 

Samuel to Amanda: I'm not rich like Damian, I don't even have a big car like Damian, but I really love U!
Amanda: I love u too, but tell me more about Damian. 

A mature lover went to a jewelry store to buy some gift for his girlfriend. He selected a locket.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The lover thought for a moment, and replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. This way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."